Burn Those Bridges
As I was growing up and entering adulthood, I received the advice “don’t burn bridges” from friends and family pretty consistently. And I get the thought behind it. You never know what life is going to hand you in future, so maintaining and fostering relationships seems like it would be good advice. Every relationship you have has the possibility of adding to your life – whether in different perspectives, good advice, a sounding board, or just good old-fashioned what the person could do for you. On that basis, I can see the basis for not completely severing relationships.
That said, my advice is: Burn Those Bridges.
Some relationships help you grow or provide a different perspective that is valuable to you. But some don’t. The other side of the “don’t burn bridges” advice is that we can keep the burden of relationships that either don’t serve us or are downright toxic. In those cases, carrying the weight of old grudges or people who may hold us back prevents us from experiencing the full potential of the present and future.
Letting go is an essential skill in maximizing our mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing, but like any skill, we must use it judiciously. With the right perspective (and work), we understand our core values and are able to prioritize the activities and relationships that push us toward the life we want to build on purpose.
Given the weight other people carry in our lives, letting go of the relationships that don’t support our personal journey can be the best decisions we can make. Some of the benefits we gain when we burn the right bridges include:
Emotional Freedom: When we hold past hurts and negative relationships, we’re shackling ourselves to those people and experiences. Letting go of those things allows us to free ourselves from anger, resentment, and other things that may be holding us back.
Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Carrying the baggage of poor relationships can contribute to chronic stress and anxiety. Worrying about the negative aspects that a specific relationship brings to your life can force you to carry a constant state of stress about that interaction.
Improved Relationships: When we only maintain the relationships that are supportive of who we are and how we’re working to grow, we’re able to see the benefits that positive relationships bring to our lives. We’re also more able to focus on those additive relationships, rather than being drained by those that don’t serve us.
Personal Growth: Holding onto bad relationships can hinder personal progress, but when we release these anchors, we give ourselves the space to learn from our past and make better choices moving forward.
Physical Wellbeing: Our mental and emotional states have a huge impact on our physical health. By burning the bridges that hold us back, we reduce the physical strain on our bodies and promote better overall health.
Freedom to Explore New Relationships: We only have so much time and attention, and we shouldn’t waste those limited resources on people who detract from our lives. When we jettison the relationships that don’t support us, we’re able to allocate that attention to fostering relationship that help us grow and move toward happiness.
Like so many things in life, letting go of bad relationships is easier said than done. Because each person has unique circumstances, perspectives, and quirks, all relationships are complicated in some fashion. We can’t control how other people feel and react to things, so I think there are a couple things to consider.
First, you don’t know how the other person is going to react. They may be hurt, insulted, mad, or neutral…while you may have a sense of how it’s going to go, you just can’t be sure. So, be prepared to hold strong and deal with whatever the situation develops into. Second, it’s not your problem. I don’t mean you should be flippant with people’s feelings or just plain mean (because you shouldn’t be), but you are only in control of your own thoughts, actions, and life.
You must make decisions that support your own wellbeing, and you neither owe other people a relationship nor can you control how they act. When a relationship becomes detrimental to what you want for your life, it’s time to let it go.
As you work through the process of burning the bridges in your life that no longer support your goals, here are a few things to consider:
Recognize the Problem: This first step involves honesty with yourself and some vulnerability. We don’t always want to admit that we’ve gotten down a path that is bad for us. However, it’s much less likely that you’ll be able to exit a relationship when you don’t recognize there’s a problem. If you have any level of suspicion that a relationship may not be serving you any longer, consider asking yourself questions like:
Is this relationship hurting my self-esteem?
Is this relationship negatively impacting any area of my life?
How could this relationship be better for me?
Internalize the Lessons Learned: When you feel ending a relationship is the best decision, you might feel a sense of guilt about either the time you already invested and/or the current situation you find yourself in. Rather than looking at a relationship as wasted time, remember that you can learn something from every person in your life. Spend some time considering how the person may have changed you, what you have learned, and how you can use into the future.
Create Separation: Once you’re ready to move on, you need to actually move on. However you interacted with someone who was no longer an asset to your life, you need to cut those ties. While it may be difficult (and assuming it’s safe to do so), you need to let the person know why you are ending the relationship with them. Tough conversation that’s needed is coming up. No more calls or text messages, avoid the same social events…whatever that may mean to cut ties.
Let Go of Reminders: Particularly if the person you’re cutting out of your life was particularly close to you, it’s likely you’ll have physical reminders of them. If possible, getting rid of any relics of the past to help you move on.
Rewrite your Narrative: The stories we tell ourselves carry substantial weight in what we believe about ourselves. When you remove someone from your life who brought habits or activities that were moving you in the wrong direction, you now have an opportunity to reframe your story and rewrite it in a way that empowers you.
Forgive: Let go of any feelings of guilt or regret that may have attached to the relationship. You can’t change the past, but you can learn and grow from it. Be willing to forgive yourself and the other person. Don’t let lingering resentment hold you back from becoming who you really want to be.
Move On: Many people stay in unhealthy relationships, because they either think they can change the other person or just feel the other person “is who they are.” On the first thought, please remember that you cannot change someone who isn’t willing to change. And while I’m a big believer in the idea that we should let people be themselves, that doesn’t mean you need to stay in a relationship that isn’t working for you. You are responsible for your own thoughts and actions, not the thoughts of actions of other people.
I do appreciate relationships are complex. Every person in our life may not be supportive during every interaction, and there are likely some relationships that would be more difficult to drop than others. That said, we can (and should) be judicious about who we allow into our lives. If there are people in your life that are either not additive or actively detracting, you owe it to yourself to weed that garden. Focus on what’s most important to you. Curate your life. Burn those bridges.
More than anything, your relationship with yourself is critical. You owe it to yourself to take control of your life and live on purpose. Part of that effort involves internal work like understanding your core values, making a plan for changes you want to make, and holding yourself accountable. But there is an external element too. When you drop the relationships with people who hold you back or are unwilling to support your growth, you are further empowering yourself to make positive changes in your life.
